Reservations about motherhood



Turner and I are visiting his Aunt Ruby today and while that is not the topic of this blog, I want to mention it and call her out because she has yet to read my blog. In fact, she doesnt read the newspaper I work for either… she just doesn’t really like to read in general and is more of an introvert that wakes up at noon, edits photos all day, takes some pictures, stays up all hours of the night…. then does it over and over again. So of course I am a little sour about the fact that she has not taken an interest in this…. so if you know her…. give her a hard time for me 🙂

Ok, so to my post today. I am having the hardest time accepting Turner’s age. I am very torn. Part of me doesnt want him to grow up and I want to freeze him right the way he is. I often joke that I am going to intentionally give him so many complexes so he never wants to leave me so I will be the only woman he ever needs in his life…. But the other part of me wants him to be old enough to do fun things.

I want to take him to the pool before the summer is up. How young is too young? I have googled it and some moms say they take babies as young as two months… and if that is the case, then he will get to go before the summer is up. I think when I change him and hold him I just fling him around because I think he is bigger/older than he is.

Since he was just a couple weeks old, maybe 4, he has been able to sit up pretty well on his own and has full control of his head. So sometimes I catch myself picking him up and not giving him any neck support and it just looks like it hurts him. I know there is no right way to do things, and I can kill myself googling other people’s opinion on the matter, I just hope that I am doing the best I can for Turner.

Another question I have is about socks. Turner just refuses to wear them, and there arent really any that fit him well enough to stay on for any length of time. Is that ok? I mean…. we keep the air conditioner on and it is kinda chilly in the house.. but he doesnt seem to be sick or anything. If I dont put socks on him now, will it be harder to get him to wear shoes later?

The uncertainty of raising a child is unsettling at times. I try to tell myself there is no right or wrong way to do things. That it is all a learning process, but with that attitude, I am terrified that I will do something that will impact Turner negatively, and that is just the last thing I would ever want. When he was just a couple weeks old I was home alone with him and needed to shower. He was sleeping in the living room so I left him in there and jumped in the shower. I wasn’t in there but a couple minutes and heard him wake up and start to cry. I hurried to finish washing my hair, but was still probably in the shower for about 5 minutes. When I got out and got to him he had the most terrified, abandoned, heartbroken look on his face. It was a look of pure terror. It took all I had not to bust out crying. The thought that something I did caused him to feel that was was devastating.

My actions, or inactions, have the potential to have devastating everlasting effects on him. That horrifies me beyond explanation.

While I understand that there is not anything I can do about all these what ifs and questions…. I just say a little prayer that I am doing what God intends for me to do and that hopefully Turner will turnout just fine.


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