WARNING: This post is not funny. It is honest and a little sad.
I think I have fallen victim to the pregnancy blues. Everyone warns you about it, and I was certain that it was not going to affect me, but I think it has.
I have this theory that all of the signs and symptoms of pregnancy are just made up, that they are not real. That they are like Valentines Day, just an excuse that someone made up a long time ago and now everyone believes them.
For example, when I was pregnant I did not have a single craving. This may sound offensive to some, but I think that is something women make up to be able to eat whatever they want without being judged. I think some women also just want to have “cravings” so bad because it is what you are “supposed” to do, so they convince themselves that they do. I do not think women knowingly say, oh hey, I want to make this up to fit in, but subconsciously, they expect to have cravings so they do. I did not think it was real when I was pregnant, and then when I did not have any of my own, I was certain it was just all in people’s head.
Second, I do not think mood swings are something that can be blamed on pregnancy. Yes, I understand that hormones are at varying levels but I think it is all controllable, and I think I did a pretty good job controlling it. I feel the same way about mood swings associated to “that time of the month” sorry ladies, but I think you are full of crap. If anything, you can blame having mood swings on the fact that both pregnancy and your period cause you to be tired and achey which puts you in a bad mood. Don’t blame it on hormones. Be rational. It is your body, you can control yourself. I think over the 9 months I was pregnant, I did just that. If I pitched a fit or got angry, it was because that is how I felt, not because of some uncontrollable, unexplainable phenomenon that was blamed on being pregnant. That is just an excuse. Get it together.
So like these things, I have always thought that postpartum depression was just an excuse. I have clinically diagnosed anxiety (which pregnancy and motherhood makes 100 times worse) and I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder brought on by childhood events I would rather not discuss. When I was younger I decided to take medicine for those things, but as I got older I refused. I took charge of my life, and have done pretty well considering. My mother is a manic depressive with Bipolar Disorder and I have watched medicine control her life. Without she cannot function. I have always refused to let that be case for me. I admit, it has caused me problems in my life, caused people to read me wrong or for me to rub people the wrong way… but other than that I think I deal pretty well.
Years ago out grandparents and their parents did just fine without all this diagnosis’s and medicines, we can too. And I do believe that wholeheartedly. Regardless of what I have went through in my life, I control my future, I control my feelings, I control the outcome.
Well that has been how I have thought until the past week. Maybe it is pregnancy blues. Maybe it is the lack of sleep catching up with me. Maybe it is the stress of keeping up with a very high pace, attention demanding job while working half the hours so I can spend time with Turner, but whatever it is it sucks. It leads me to tears almost daily.
My anxiety is worse than when I was first put on medication and my depression seems to consume me. I try really hard not to let it. And the scariest thing happened the other day, I got home to Turner and generally I cannot wait to love him and hold him and kiss him, and yesterday, I just didn’t feel that way, and that made me more sad than anything else. It made it all worse. I do not want to be that person.
Every little comment from anyone makes me sad or hurts my feelings. I am so touchy and dramatic, and that causes me and Andrew to argue. I mean, stuff that would never typically bother me in a million years just sets me off and causes stress on our relationship when it just doesn’t need to. I do not know what to do. I refuse to take medicine unless I have to. I do not believe in it really.
I feel shut out and alone, but then at the same time, I want to be alone.
Praying helps, but lately prayers have turned into pure begging and pleading. Worries are suffocating. Stress is unbearable, I feel guilt but do not know why. I hope it passes. I hope there is something that can change it.