So a few of my previous posts have said that Turner my end up being my only little prince, so I have decided to tell you why.
When I was pregnant with Turner, the doctor discovered that I had high grade abnormal cervical cells. Never having this problem before, I tried not to worry about it. Even though, when the doctors called me to tell me about it, they told me depending on how bad it was, I may have to terminate the pregnancy or risk dying during delivery, you know, just casual conversation.
Well I freaked out and was hysterical, especially because Andrew was out of town when I got the news. Well, during my next doctors appointment, the doctor, not just a nurse with the office, explained the test results a little better and assured me everything would be ok until after I had Turner. Because of Turner’s position in my belly, they were not able to do a colposcopy, the procedure needed to determine the severity of my condition. My doctor assured me from what she could tell, everything should be ok and they would monitor it throughout my pregnancy, then follow up after I gave birth.
Everything was fine and Turner was obviously born healthy and perfect. My follow up appointment shows that the high grade cells has actually gotten worse during pregnancy and I needed to have the colposcopy now. I had that about a month ago. Doctors explained that the procedure was to determine the severity of my condition, and even determine if I may possibly have cervical cancer.
Cancer is a terrifying word. Especially since my dad died from an aggressive form of Liver Cancer in April. The thought of possibly having cancer is awful. Any form of cancer. I am still not over my father’s death and don’t know what I would do if I received the diagnosis of cancer. Cervical Cancer isn’t exactly like lung or liver cancer, but it has potential to turn into it, which is the scary part. If I do have cervical cancer, doctors can remove all or parts of my cervix to hopefully get the cancer cells. But if that were to occur, I would more than likely not be able to have anymore children, which I am surprisingly ok with. Turner is perfect. I could not ask for a more perfect person to have come into my life. The amount of love and joy that little nugget brings me is beyond words, and if it turns out that God only wants me to have him, then that is fine by me, because just having Turner is a blessing.
The colposcopy results came back two weeks ago, and they were not good. The way the doctor explained it to me was, “On a scale of one to 10, one being nothing to worry about and 10 being cancer, you are a nine.” NOT fun words to hear….at all.
So I had to schedule a LEEP procedure. A LEEP procedure is a step above a colposcopy and allows doctors to get a little more info on my condition. In my case, the LEEP procedure was used to scrap out the bad cervical cells. The doctors took out chucks of my cervix that proved to be abnormal in hopes that would do the trick. It was not fun, and was considerably painful.
I now have to wait until Thursday or so to find out where I stand. The extremes are…. I have cervical cancer and then we will go from there with treatment options, or the cells are not bad and I would have a follow up in three months, then another three months, and if both of those doctor visits are ok, another in six months before being able to return to normal annual visits.
I do not know what the results will be. I of course hope and pray everything will be alright. Ideally, I would like to have another child. But there is nothing I can do and it is all in God’s hands. Turner is an amazing little miracle, and I can give him all of my love for the rest of my life and be just fine with that. I was barely pregnant and a nurse told me because of all of this I might have had to terminate the pregnancy. Well that just was not going to happen. Turner was never at risk, I was. If my condition was worse, then delivery would have been risky for me. But I would have gladly taken that risk to bring Turner into this world.
I have been fighting with all of this. I have been scared, depressed, worried, afraid, and a million other things, but I just keep telling myself, that it is beyond my control, and at the end of the day, I have Turner.