I believe with every ounce of my being that God speaks to us. While he may not part waters or heal the sick before our eyes, I believe with my whole heart that he performs miracles and answers our prayers every single day. I wrote about one of the most powerful ways that God has worked in my life here. Some days are more apparent than others, and today was one of those days.
So a little back story first. Andrew and I are very, very different people. When people say opposites attract, that couldn’t be more honest than it is between the two of us. I was instantly attracted to Andrew because he was so outstandingly different than me. He challenged me, and I loved that from the start. Well, despite that initial attraction, and how well and quickly it brought the two of us together, since then the beauty of it has faded a bit, and that same opposing force that was once so adorable, now leads us to want to tear each other’s eyes out. Like, sometimes, I literally can visualize myself clawing out his eyeballs.
Andrew is considerably conservative, while I am known to be more liberal. I am very vocal about my opinions, regardless of how controversial they may be, and not only is Andrew more reserved, but he despises when I voice my opinions. Andrew is a bit of a sports fanatic, and while I can tolerate sports, and even love baseball, I would rather have a root canal than voluntarily watch a football game on TV or even attempt to stay awake for a round of golf. I enjoy action/suspense films, Andrew cannot stand them. Andrew detests reality television, I live for the mind numbing escape it offers. I am fire, he is ice. I am black, he is white. You get the picture?
While typically we are able to come together despite our drastic differences, as of late, we have been at each other’s throats. I don’t know the reason, but regardless we have been like two cats in a wet sack.
Last night I had a strong opinion after seeing a Super Bowl commercial. Not so much the Super Bowl commercial, because although so many people were offended by the commercial, I did not even give it a second thought because it didn’t stand out to me. But then I got on to Facebook. A huge mistake. While I am sure Facebook makes people dislike me because of my opinions, Facebook makes me really dislike people, makes me even more of a misanthrope than I already am. Without getting into the drama of the commercial or the 150 comments my status drew from people, just know that Andrew did not like it. I didn’t get in a Facebook debate, I simply stated my opinion and then let others argue between themselves. Well, Andrew did not like it, and it started an argument between us last night.
Andrew and I don’t argue often. But when we do, we backtrack to every little thing that possibly could have ever bothered us. I am sure, that he will also be mad I wrote this, because once again it is more transparent than he would like for me to be, but I write to process, I write for therapy, so oh well. So Andrew and I fought, it escalated and I just found myself so down and out. What am I doing? Why am I with someone that I literally have nothing in common with? Why am I such a glutton for punishment, that I deal with these fights that seem to erupt every six months or so? Just all of these thoughts and all of this questions. I went to bed last night with a very heavy heart. I woke up this morning, without speaking to Andrew last night after our blowout, with an even heavier heart.
I reluctantly left for work this morning. We didn’t really speak. Once I got in the car I continued the endless prayers I had said the night before. Just begging God for answers. Begging him to show me what I needed to do. Begging him to guide me down the right path to do what is best for Turner. Pleading with him for comfort and understanding. And then, after the morning news finished on the radio, I believe that God answered my prayers. It was no sooner that I finished my last prayer that Blake Shelton’s song, God Gave Me You, came on the radio. I have heard the song 1,000 times before this morning. I have always liked the song, I have always thought it was beautiful. But this morning it meant so much more. The song’s lyrics, “On my own I’m only/ half of what I could be/I can’t do without you./We are stitched together/and what love has tethered/I pray we never undo,” really resonated with me.
The song in its entirety was an answer to my hours of prayers. Whatever anger or resentment I feel toward Andrew, whatever words are spoken out of anger and with passion, they mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It is a lot easier to just give up and walk away than it is to stick it out and fight. Nothing worth having is easy. All the best things are fought for.
I believe with every piece of my heart, that God put that song on the radio at that very point to tell me that.
But then it didn’t end there. The first song, reminded me that I needed to give it over to God. That he has control of everything and God’s will and plan will be done in my life.
Then immediately after that song, another familiar song came on. The song, Good Morning Beautiful Day, followed Shelton’s song. If you haven’t ever heard either songs, you should, and if you don’t like country music, at least look up the lyrics, because the messages are beautiful. I believe the second song was speaking to my heart to remind me that although I was angry at Andrew this morning, I should not focus on that but instead remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. The lyrics, “I couldn’t see the light/ I didn’t know day from night/ I had no reason to care./ But since you came along/ I can face the dawn/ Cause I know you’ll be there,” just grabbed me and shook me.
This may sound insane to some people. I am ok with that. I am kind of notorious for voicing my opinions regardless of the judgment people may form about me after learning them. I am ok with that.
I am far from perfect. I know that I am overwhelmingly difficult in most aspects of life. I am blessed that Andrew has put up with me for this long. Just as I know that he is lucky that I can look past how dang stubborn he is.
At the end of the day, together Andrew and I have created the most incredible example of perfection in our son, Turner. Nothing beyond that matters. It is our responsibility to do whatever we need to do to work out our lives in order to build a kingdom around Turner to ensure that he has everything he could every want or need. Turner deserves two parents who love him as much as they love each other. I just have to remember that at the end of the day, making that happen is the most important thing I can ever do, regardless of what it may take.