My first experience with pure devastation as a mother.

For the first time in Turner’s 10 months here on this earth, I experienced honest, unadulterated heartbreak this morning. Pure devastation.  I mean, took my breath away, still struggling with it, heartbreak. 

Typically, Andrew takes Turner to daycare in the mornings by himself. Well this morning, I decided to go. The only other time I had dropped Turner off at daycare was the very first day when Andrew and I went together. Turner was fine that day. Turner is fine in the afternoons when we go to pick him up. Andrew had told me that Turner had been crying in the mornings when Andrew would leave him. Well this morning, I got to experience it for myself, and it was the worst experience in my life.

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At first I set him on the counter, talked to the daycare teacher Jennifer,  left Turner in his carseat, then turned to leave, and before I could even reach for the door handle, Turner started to scream. At that exact moment my heart shattered. While I am sure tough Andrew just leaves anyway, I couldn’t do it. I immediately turned around and scooped Turner out of his car seat. When he realized I was not leaving yet, he stopped crying and was seemingly ok. 

His teacher assured me that Turner only cries until we get out the door, and then he is ok. But I just couldn’t handle it. When I got Turner to stop crying, I leaned him toward Jennifer and for a split second he reached for her, but as soon as he realized that if he went to her I would leaved he snapped back to  me and threw both of his hands around my neck. He buried his head between my neck and shoulder and squeezed tight. I calmed him down, then attempted it again. He hung on for dear life. At that point, I was ready to call into work and never leave Turner’s side again. But that is just not practical. So as reluctant as I was, I had to physically pry Turner’s hands away from my body and force him to Jennifer. She struggled to even hold him because he twisted and turned trying to get back to me. 

I just had to walk about the door. Pure and utter devastation. I am sure he is ok. I am sure he is playing happily with Miss Jennifer. But those few minutes, two or three minutes that felt like hours or days, was simultaneously the lowest and highest point in my life. While I felt so loved and needed in that moment, which is a pleasant surprise since he is the biggest daddy’s boy you have ever seen, it broke my heart to see him like that. 

Yet another reason why being a working mom stinks. 

, SiteDart Author

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One thought on “My first experience with pure devastation as a mother.

  1. What a tough moment for a mom! I guess most of us have gone though similar feelings at some point, but it’s still hard. I know you treasure the moments you spend with your precious little boy!

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