The day I decided I wasn’t going to be fat anymore.

I just refuse. 

I full out just refuse to keep being fat. 

I have complained about my weight for months. Turner will be 1 year old on May 30, and although I have lost some of the baby weight, I have not lost even close to enough. I starve myself. I try to stick to less than 1,200 calories a day, and even when I am weak and slip up, I still rarely ever get up to 2,000. That method allowed me to shed a couple of pounds, but it is just not enough and my body has reached a point to where it is going to lose anymore. 

I can’t join a gym. 

I am an extreme obsessive introvert, and I sit here right at this very moment thinking about having to walk into any of the gym options in my town, I basically want to throw up. That is how nervous it makes me. I just can’t do it. Last night, Andrew threw out the idea of a personal trainer, but I just don’t think I can do that either. I am a complete flake when it comes to commitment and when it comes to a commitment that involves an activity with another person… especially a stranger, just not going to happen. 

But I really am tired of being fat. 

I am not like fat to where I don’t fit in my clothes without much people to notice. Like, I still have the uncomfortable and embarrassing belly skin that is a result of having a baby. But what I have noticed, and while it may be in my head, it is all I can think about, is that I am expanding horizontally. When I see reflections of myself, I am wider. The point from one hip to the other, is visibly stretched to me. And it makes me so depressed I almost cry anytime I see my reflection. Lately, it has been getting worse. I am unhappy constantly about the way I look and it makes me unhappy in other avenues of my life. 

So yesterday, I decided I wasn’t going to be fat anymore. 

I always have excuses for why I can’t work out. Andrew makes time to go to the gym every day. I find reasons why I can’t go for a run in our neighborhood or why I can’t go for a walk on the greenway after work. But they are nothing more than excuses. And that all changed yesterday. I am not going to be able to cry away my fat. So I am going to work until it is gone. Image

So I went for a run yesterday. 

I felt really good about it. Just going, and knowing I was doing something active to make a change in my life made me feel better. Now if I can just stick to it. Well, no, that isn’t even an option. I WILL stick to it. I am going to do this. A couple of ways I am going to do this. Just a warning for you guys… I need someone or something to hold me accountable. I need motivation and encouragement. Andrew is no good for this because for one, he is basically out of town every other weekend for work, and two, he would rather give in to me than hear me whine. Even if the end result is me looking like a hippo. 

So I have decided that I am going to post photos. For all the world to see. Each week I will take photos and post them here. So if you don’t want to see them, here is your warning. That is why I haven’t posted photos yet, so you can be fairly warned. I need some accountability. 

So there is that. I hope it works this time, and hopefully this will be my last blog complaining about being fat and miserable. I am sure you all are just as tired of reading them as I am of writing and feeling this way. Not to mention, the blog I wrote for my job yesterday should have been all the encouragement I needed to get off my butt and do something, but it is just never enough!  

 

, SiteDart Author

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10 thoughts on “The day I decided I wasn’t going to be fat anymore.

  1. You go woman! It’s one step at a time and you’ve made the first one. I don’t know where you’re based but have you thought of joining slimming world? It’s really good and the people are so supportive (and funny) because they’re all going through similar things! I go and as I’ve been sticking to it the last 2 weeks I’ve lost 12.5lbs. I also use a few apps which can help keep you motivated and would be happy to recommend them if you like!

      • Where are you based! You can join online and there’s tons of recipes, easy cooks, fakeaways and you can eat so much!! If you check the website I think you can see some stuff and week plans without being a member! If I can help you in anyway then let me know 🙂

      • I live in North Carolina. Another thing I have to work on is eating better more consistently. Since I am a newspaper reporter, my hours are crazy and I am rarely home for any meal, so I snack or grab something quick, which is obviously not working out for me.

  2. I am just as bad about not wanting to be accountable. I actually do have a gym membership and only sporadically. We should keep each other accountable for exercise!! I always have reasons to not work out! I know we both love hippos, but neither of us want to look like one (and you don’t look like one at all!) -Shelby

  3. I like you! Just a few thoughts: Take them or leave them: You are WAY too hard on yourself first of all. A run/walk doesn’t always have to be your workout. Think of some things you enjoy doing that cause you to sweat a little. ( gardening, playing with your kiddo, mowing the lawn) You will never climb that Mountain if you can’t climb a molehill. I don’t remember the exact wording for the quote. I butchered it. haha What I’m trying to say is there is NO way you are going to succeed if you aren’t taking baby steps. Set goals for one week. They could include: walk/jog 2 times a week . Do 20 push-ups before bed 4 nights, don’t take seconds at dinner, etc. I want to be a part of your journey. I WANT YOU TO SUCCEED! I have had many moments where I was in your shoes. At the moment, I am happy. I have figured out what works for me. I’m excited for you. last advice: Don’t starve yourself 🙂 It never works.

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