I gave in this weekend. I guess I didn’t really give in, I just learned to accept some of the things that come along with motherhood. For the first, in the 17 months since I have had Turner, I bought larger sized jeans. I know, I know, it sounds impossible, how could I be walking around if I never bought larger jeans? Well, I haven’t. I bought two pairs of maternity jeans that I occasionally still wear when I am low on laundry, plenty of leggings that are one-size fits all, and then I would torture myself and squeeze into the size 2, or 4 depending on the brand, that I wore before I ever got pregnant.
I have been terrified of getting larger jeans. I mean, Until college, I was a size 0… because that makes since… for clothes to be sized at a 0. But that is what I was. I was proud of that. So when I became a size 2… I was a little sad about it. Then I got pregnant and well… ballooned because of Turner… but then after Turner became a year old, I decided that I could no longer blame my excesses weight on the baby, and have to call it what it is… just me being in poor health.
I lost a significant amount of weight on two different occasions since Turner. The first for our 1st Christmas photos, and the second for our wedding. The first time I crash dieted, and the second I worked my butt off. Both worked well and I was happy, but neither were sustainable. 1) I really like cheeseburgers, and 2) I hardly have time to shower each week let alone find time for the gym.
So I have to accept that fact that I am no longer a size two, and even though some fade or couple month long goal may get me there again… I won’t ever be able to stay there… so I bought the next size up. Well, to be honest, I bought a couple sizes up. No need to get into actual numbers or sizes… but I did it. I finally bought jeans that I can sit down while wearing on the first day of wearing them. You know, on day 3, right before it is time to wash them again, they fit perfect. Well, now, my new size- we will call them size-real jeans, fit on day one. They are comfortable and still hug my momma curves, and I don’t even have the painful lines and creases on my hips anymore!
This is something I have struggled with for a really long time. I didn’t want to wear a larger number in jean size. I would rather squeeze into the size 2, regardless of how unflattering they were, than bust my ego with reality. But Sunday, while fighting back tears and disappointment, I bought my new jeans.
But this isn’t a sign of weakness or acceptance. Because I will get fitter. I will lose a little bit of this baggage. It is just going to take time and a lot of dedication that I am going to have to dig up from the deepest depths of my soul to find, but I will do it… again!