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My first experience with pure devastation as a mother.

For the first time in Turner’s 10 months here on this earth, I experienced honest, unadulterated heartbreak this morning. Pure devastation.  I mean, took my breath away, still struggling with it, heartbreak. 

Typically, Andrew takes Turner to daycare in the mornings by himself. Well this morning, I decided to go. The only other time I had dropped Turner off at daycare was the very first day when Andrew and I went together. Turner was fine that day. Turner is fine in the afternoons when we go to pick him up. Andrew had told me that Turner had been crying in the mornings when Andrew would leave him. Well this morning, I got to experience it for myself, and it was the worst experience in my life.

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At first I set him on the counter, talked to the daycare teacher Jennifer,  left Turner in his carseat, then turned to leave, and before I could even reach for the door handle, Turner started to scream. At that exact moment my heart shattered. While I am sure tough Andrew just leaves anyway, I couldn’t do it. I immediately turned around and scooped Turner out of his car seat. When he realized I was not leaving yet, he stopped crying and was seemingly ok. 

His teacher assured me that Turner only cries until we get out the door, and then he is ok. But I just couldn’t handle it. When I got Turner to stop crying, I leaned him toward Jennifer and for a split second he reached for her, but as soon as he realized that if he went to her I would leaved he snapped back to  me and threw both of his hands around my neck. He buried his head between my neck and shoulder and squeezed tight. I calmed him down, then attempted it again. He hung on for dear life. At that point, I was ready to call into work and never leave Turner’s side again. But that is just not practical. So as reluctant as I was, I had to physically pry Turner’s hands away from my body and force him to Jennifer. She struggled to even hold him because he twisted and turned trying to get back to me. 

I just had to walk about the door. Pure and utter devastation. I am sure he is ok. I am sure he is playing happily with Miss Jennifer. But those few minutes, two or three minutes that felt like hours or days, was simultaneously the lowest and highest point in my life. While I felt so loved and needed in that moment, which is a pleasant surprise since he is the biggest daddy’s boy you have ever seen, it broke my heart to see him like that. 

Yet another reason why being a working mom stinks. 

, SiteDart Author

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Exploring the world of baby proofing

Turner is into everything. Like all little ones, he is obsessed with the toilet. Anytime a bathroom door gets left open, he heads straight for it. It doesn’t really help to leave the lid down, because he knows how to push it up just far enough to get his toys, bottle, sippy cup, and anything else nearby into the bowl. 

It is definitely time to baby proof the house. 

When Turner first started to pull himself to standing a couple of months ago, we cushioned all the coffee table corners, and when he started to crawl we plugged all the outlets. But now we have to do the whole nine yards. We have to secure all the cabinets, which is no easy feat. I had bought a general baby-proofing kit, but apparently, the cabinets in our house are weird dimensions. The cabinet locks that loop on the handles are too small. We have tried a couple different brands, but they will not open wide enough to hook one cabinet to the other. 

So I guess that leaves drilling to use the other baby-proofing options available. I am not happy about it. Surely, there are better ways to secure the house right? I feel like this part of motherhood is something that hasn’t gotten much attention. So all of you creative mothers out there, feel free to work in this space and come up with better options. I have debated about just zip tying the cabinets together! It may very well be easier! 

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I know it has to be done. The first time Turner pulled the dishwashing detergent out from under the sink, I went into panic mode and wanted to screw all the doors shut immediately. Maybe I will try velcro? That seems simple and less invasive than the other options. Surely Turner cannot Hulk the cabinets open if they are secured with velcro. 

We let Turner out on the porch this weekend for the first time. Not that we are that neurotic, but this weekend was the first pretty weekend that we have actually been home. I put the baby gate up by the stairs and let him walk around. Even though I know there is no possible way for him to fit between the bars on the porch, I was still on edge watching him roam. I swear, I am going to end up putting this kid in a bubble!

, SiteDart Author

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Ready for a little bit of growing up

I am so obsessed with Turner. I have said it before, but it may be the “new mom” feeling, but I would go to the end of the moon and back for that little boy. He completely consumes my heart. There isn’t a thing in this world that I wouldn’t gladly do for him in a moments notice. I think he is absolutely perfect in every single way.

With that being said, while I already think he has grown up too fast, there are a few things that I wish he would hurry up and get the hang of. For example… he is more than welcomed to start holding his bottle on his own. Any day now, I sure would appreciate it. He tries really hard, but just cannot get the hang of of it.

 Turner has been able to sit up on his own since he was three months old. He is much more stable now and sits up straight for hours on end, but I have to prop him up to make it happen. He hasn’t quite mastered being able to get to a sitting position on his own. I am also ready for him to do that too.

One thing that Turner recently has been able to do, that I am so proud of, is put himself to sleep. It was a big deal when he started to sleep on his own, and he has been doing a great job of it night after night. I was happy with that, but when I was able to lay him in his bed with a toy and realized that in a matter of minutes he had fallen asleep on his own, without needing to be rocked. That was monumental! Then another night after he had gotten up to eat around 3 a.m., I put him back to bed even though he was not asleep, and instead of being rocked, he went to sleep on his own. This may seem silly and normal for most babies, but not for mine. Not for mine at all. I could have turned cartwheels I was so excited!

Another thing that I am ready for him to grow out of is his utter hatred of the carseat. I don’t know if other parents have experiences the same thing, but Turner screams at the top of his lungs when he is placed in his carseat, at least nine times out of 10. I mean pitches a fit like someone was beating him. It almost never fails. I don’t know why, but he does. So any day now, when he is ready to get used to it, I am ready for him.

Everything else can stay the same. I am not ready for him to crawl or walk or talk or anything. I want him to continuing being my perfect almost six month old.  

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Battling a world that isn’t always child friendly

I never thought I would be “that” mom. The type that would want to boycott places that are not more child friendly, but the time has come. There are few things more frustrating than having to change a baby on a cramped sink top or even worse, the floor of a bathroom, all because some place you are at doesn’t have a proper changing table. It should be a law really. I shouldn’t have to balance my son on the edge of a sink to change his diaper at a business. There should be a changing table there.

 Also, I have yet to find somewhere that has the little boxes for liners for the changing table to actually have liners in it. That is about as frustrating as not having a table at all. There are never liners in any of them, ever. So I bring a blanket or grab some paper towels or wipe down the table with wipes first. Why is it so difficult to accommodate children?

 I am so appreciative when I find changing tables that have hooks on the walls or the ends. Anytime I do not have to put the diaper bag or my purse on the ground makes things so much easier. Trying to bend down to get supplies while watching a squirmy little boy who refuses to cooperate makes the entire process so much more difficult. Any thing that helps is amazing. The rooms at babies R’ us (while of course they are going to be accommodating) are magical. Plenty of room and proper materials needed to change or soothe a child. All bathrooms should be like that.

Another thing I cannot stand are restaurants that do not have car seat swings. No, I do not want to put my child on a chair or on a highchair flipped upside down. While working in a restaurant, I have seen both of those scenarios end badly. They are not steady or stable and can end disastrously. The swings for car seats are made to fit perfectly and have safety straps. I don’t see what it is so hard for restaurants to get them for parents. 

Not a single restaurant I have been to in my town has had the swing. Either they don’t have them, or they were not offered to us. That is just bad business. The swings should also be required.

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Grocery stores. Grocery store carts have a sign that says do not put your car seat in the front of the cart. Well, while some places have built in car seat shaped seats for children, there are never enough. And they are usually placed in the back of the cart selection to where I cannot get to them. And if by chance one is available, wipes to sanitize it are never there. Beyond frustrating!

I think if a business or place, such as a public park, is not accommodating to parents with children, they obviously do not want my business and that is a shame. While it may sound drastic, but like there are standards to make places accessible for handicapped citizens, there should be guidelines for children as well.

 

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Post pregnancy menstruation monster

This may be too much information, and what some deem inappropriate to share to friends, not to mention the complete strangers who stumble on my blog, but I started this to be open and real about EVERY aspect of being a first time mom, and I don’t want to make any exceptions, and if it helps a soon to be mom, then I have accomplished my goal… so here it goes…

No one, not a single friend or family member or even my doctor warned me about what my first menstrual cycle was going to be like after giving birth. But now, talking to the ladies in my office, all of which who are extraordinary mothers, apparently ovary wrenching pain during your first couple of menstrual cycle is status quo, and even worse than that… apparently from now on, “that time of the month” is going to be completely different. Thanks for the warning guys!

I have been on this (my first since I had Turner in May) cycle for exact three weeks now. I am in agonizing pain. My back and ovaries are on fire. Just day to day activity is gut wrenching and beyond painful. There isn’t enough Midol in the world to fix what I have going on, trust me, I have tried.

On top of the sleepless nights and 6 am wake up calls before a full days of work, the complete exhaustion that I am feeling is beyond overwhelming. I have never had difficult cycles. In fact, before Turner, I had used the depo provera shot as birth control, and then I didn’t even have a cycle at all. So now to have this monster of a monthly visitor, with people now telling me this is what I need to get used to… I disagree. I don’t want to play this game, count me out!

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Some sort of preparation from the doctor would have been nice. Maybe that is my fault for not going to more first time mommy classes. But I feel like basic first time mom information should be included in my monthly doctor visits, that turned into bi-weekly, then weekly then every three week follow ups. Somewhere in that marathon of doctor visits, you think someone somewhere might have mentioned this to me.

I would see all these commercials before I had a child about menstrual cycles and be so confused about how those woman seemed to have such trouble each month, mine were a breeze. Well, that is because a real menstrual cycle, and real issues do not even matter pre pregnancy. Its like a vetting process, a passage into womanhood, surviving the post pregnancy cycles is the top of the mountain, when you reach that adult status. It could easily be a superhero power. A power I do not have, do not want to have, and hope and pray that in the next few days I will not need, because if something doesn’t give, the monthly monster is going to win and fear for everyone in eyesight when it happens.

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Getting ready for our first Halloween

I am beyond excited for Turner’s first Halloween. I love dressing up and having theme parties (if you couldn’t already tell by the fact that I have monthly theme birthday parties for my newborn). I have a full theme for Turner, Andrew and my own costumes to all be equally awesome on their own and super awesome when they are put together.

 Turner’s costume came a few weeks ago, Andrew’s came last Friday, and mine arrived yesterday. I am super stinking excited about it. Our town has something called PumpkinFest, which is an awesome family event for Halloween. In addition to a pumpkin roll and trick or treating at shops around Main Street, there is a a costume parade and contest that you better believe we will be entering.

 What makes Halloween the most exciting, is that Andrew is as equally as excited as I am. I think too often, dad’s kinda stand on the sidelines for these kind of things and let the moms do it while they watch from afar, but not Andrew. He is so excited about his costume, he said we needed to find somewhere else to dress up to wear it more than once! 

Here is a little hint at what we plan on doing… I can’t give it away entirely!

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Narrowing down what to dress up like was nearly impossible. It was never a question as to IF we were going to dress up together, but instead, I have been thinking and bouncing ideas off Andrew since August! Our second choice was going to be that Andrew and I dress as pirates with Turner being our parrot, but what we actually are going to dress up as beat out that idea.